I’m lookin’ in the mirror At this woman down and out She’s internally dyin’ I know this was not what love’s about

I don’t wanna be this woman The second time around ‘Cause I’m wakin’ up screamin’, no longer believin’ That I’m gonna be around

—Ashanti “Rain on me”

Baby Daddy….

I really dislike that word. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth to even say it. A lot of people say they have a sperm donor, but he doesn’t even deserve that term. You see when they say, “love is blind,” they weren’t kidding. I was completely blinded but this Dancer from California. You see with guys(I am sure some girls are like this) a front is put up. It’s like in the beginning they play the pretend game, lets pretend I am this great guy that has very little flaws so I can shatter her world in the end. I say shattered because that is exactly what he did. Everything was great the first couple of months. I guess you can call that the puppy love stage. I would make my way back and forth to California for months with no care in the world. I was grown….or so I thought. You see when abuse sneaks up on you, a state of denial crosses through you. You try to make up excuses for that person like it didn’t just happen, and it was all your fault. Your thoughts are so foggy that you believe it. However, it wasn’t my fault. The very first time I apparently said something wrong, what I said I still don’t remember. I can tell you that I remember the sting on my face, how red it got, and how shocked I was. To some it was just a slap on the face, but to me it was so much more and it hurt. Like so many woman though, I made excuses and I convinced my young naive self that it wouldn’t happen again……but it did. It escalated…. One night out, and a huge headache later I was being pulled out of the car by my hair in front of a packed fast food parking lot. You see I had a migraine, being the CARING boyfriend he was, it was time to turn up the music in MY car full blast. I just simply turned it down, and explained how bad my head hurt. That wasn’t enough he wanted to pretend like he was the new Lil’ Wayne. He slammed his fist into my radio, and I screamed. I told him to pull over, he did more than that. He pulled me out of that car, and wouldn’t let me go. He screamed at me and told me he was going to take my hand and slam the car door on it. You would think that someone outside would help me…. ha’ fat chance(one of the big reasons human beings are so f’ked up). Things calmed down, and I made him take me home. You would think I learned my lesson, but I didn’t . I went back until I ended up with a black eye, honestly had I not found out I was pregnant I would of went back. Ill never forget the day I found I was pregnant. I didn’t believe it, boy was that day full of water works. I think years later I see that positive test as a live saver. I made a choice that day not go back. Although I will tell you sometimes I was weak. I worked two jobs until I was put on bed rest at 6 months. I saved up money, and bought my son all of his needs. Today I am strong because I went through that. I will never let a man over power me, and I will never make excuses in the face of violence. My son is going to be 6 years old, I swear they grow up super fast. His father has seen him twice. In those two times he has given $100 for my son’s needs. One year he called on his own birthday and said I was messed up because I couldn’t even wish him a happy birthday…. he forgot our sons last three. Then there was that one time that he told me he would start helping with my sons needs if I would just marry him. I refused, and he felt the need to send me pictures of different girls he could have because he was just so amazing. Don’t get me wrong I could get child support…..or I can just do it myself and never subject my son to someone like him. I went through domestic violence. It happens everyday to many woman. The problem is we think it wont happen again. We blame ourselves and make excuses for those little boys we call men. The truth is it isn’t our fault, and there is no excuse. So get out…now!! Because there is a day when it’s going to be late, and it could cost you your life. Be smart, and know your strength. Find comfort in your family, and find justice in the authorities. Don’t say you can’t do it… because he loves you, because that is not love. Know your worth.

“Today is not just another day. It’s a new opportunity, another chance, a new beginning, EMBRACE IT!”

Yours Truly

Aylajayy